Is conversation in your social circles starting to turn oval shaped? Does that make things tricky? Are you a little worried that you might not be able to hold your own around the office when discussion turns to the Rugby World Cup? Have this guide close at hand and convince everyone you know what you’re talking about: it’s as good as a pair of red chinos at Twickers! Here’s at least seven things you must say when confronted with rugger chat!

• The tournament is wide open: there are so many teams playing well who could be in contention for the main prize. And because of the draw, even those not playing well lately could well make the latter stages. The only team who probably won’t do well are England. If England come up in conversation, just shake your head, say something like “Where do I start…?”, and walk off. ‘England Rugby’ is a very confusing and complex subject; best steer clear at all times.
  
  
• It’ll be head versus heart. In your head, the logical part of your ‘rugby’ brain, the traditional powerhouses of New Zealand and South Africa will be very difficult to bet against. However, the romantic view is that either ‘Ireland are due it’ (having performed brilliantly over the last few years and look to have as good a chance as they ever will) or ‘France ‘should’ win it’, as they play eye-catching rugby and are at home, in front of those partisan French crowds. However, all four of these teams are on the same side of the draw and could/should play each other in the quarter-finals. These games will be the matches of the tournament. In fact, just say that: “I’m really looking forward to the quarter finals!” and then turn and go.
  
  
• Red cards might play a part. So much of the chat pre-tournament (thanks to England) has been about red cards, disciplinaries and bans. There is a new bunker system in play for referees in this tournament and that could also be a talking point. Basically, the ref can now send a player from the field to a sin bin (with a yellow card) and ask for a Television Match Official (TMO) to look at the multiple camera angles to see if it was worth more (a red). The ref can then upgrade their decision if deemed worthy. It’s a good system but pretty new, so expect a few conversations around the kettle to involve words like TMO and bunker. If all else fails, say “Let’s hope we don’t get games decided by the ref”, take a sip of your tea, and sidle away.
  
  
• Injuries. Such is the power and size of rugby players in the modern game, players will get injured. Sides could well lose key players during the competition, indeed, some players have been injured just before the tournament has begun. Try saying ‘Ntamack’ softly, almost under your breath, and then looking wistfully out of the window; then make a quick exit. (It’s pronounced Un-tah-mack, by the way – he’s the injured French fly-half.)

• Will we see an upset win in the group stages? Quite possibly, yes: sides like Chile, Portugal, Namibia, and Romania have all the potential to sneak a win. Lots of good coaching has happened in these countries and expect some good performances; there certainly shouldn’t be any 100-0 drubbings like in previous tournaments. Other ‘lesser’ nations aren’t that lesser now, either: teams like Georgia, Japan, Uruguay, Fiji, Samoa and Tonga will be difficult to beat. Traditionally good sides (who aren’t firing on all cylinders at the moment – England, Wales, Australia) could well have their pants pulled down. Indeed, some of the games between these ‘Tier 2’ sides will be really good: Portugal v Georgia could be interesting, as could Chile v Samoa. In fact, Italy v Uruguay kicks off at 16.30 UK time on Wednesday 20th September; leave the office early that day with a ‘dentist appointment’ but tell people you’re really going home to watch this potentially wonderful game. They’ll think you really know your onions. And even if it’s not a good game, at least you’ll be home early.
  
  
• Scotland will be the best side not to get out of their group: Scotland are playing some of the most enjoyable rugby ever and each one of their matches will be worth a gander. Finn Russell has the marionette strings firmly wrapped around his fingers and the team’s mindset seems fixed on playing entertaining and attractive rugby. However, as cursed luck would have it, they are in the same group as Ireland and South Africa. And will probably finish third in the pool. Bemoan their misfortune loudly as you put your empty glass on the bar and say: “If they’d been in England’s group, they would have probably won the thing”. Then leave.
  
  
• Games to look out for: Here are a handful of group games that will be ‘must watch’ and should be referred to as such.
  
  France v New Zealand – Fri 9th Sept – It’s the first game and you could be advised to place a bet that it’ll be the final as well. Both sides will be firing and it’ll set the mood for the whole tournament; you should be glued to your sofa for this one.
  
  Wales v Fiji – Sunday 10th Sept – Wales’ group (Pool C) is wide open and many think Fiji could be the story of the tournament. Fiji have a better set piece than they used to, a strong pack and they are still huge, freakishly talented ball players. They showed their hand very well at Twickenham this past weekend. Wales are coached by Warren Gatland, who has previously got them out of holes, so this could be a great occasion. Australia v Fiji (Sun 17th Sept) and indeed, Wales v Australia (Sun 24th Sept) could be worth keeping an eye on, too. (Add Georgia and Portugal into the group and the more you stare at it, the more you think anything could happen.)
  
  South Africa v Ireland – Sat 23rd Sept – As big as match-ups come! If Ireland are going to win the World Cup, they are going to endure the hardest run to the final. They have to play the Springboks in their group, then either NZ or France in the quarters, and then a semi and a final (possibly against the ‘Boks again). Many of the questions about Andy Farrell’s Ireland could be answered in this game. Again, block out your diary.
  
  England v Samoa – Sat 7th October – This is England’s final group game and assuming they don’t slip up against Japan and Chile (and lose against Argentina), this could be the game to see if they can make the quarter finals. Trouble is, if results go Samoa’s way, they could also be looking to make the round of eight. Samoa haven’t made it out of their group since 1999 and have been bolstered by a few All Blacks (and a former Wallaby) being able to play for them (after a ruling was made to allow players who have played for one nation to represent another after a period of time). They played well against Ireland recently, a narrow 17-13 loss and look to be gelling well. Samoa are a pugnacious outfit and many of their players have or currently are playing for English club sides. It should be punchy and unmissable.

So, there you have it. I hope this has helped and if you throw a load of these points in, it should make sure everyone thinks you understand rugby. The whole tournament should be great fun and I hope it can unite people in a love for the game: the sport needs it. It would be good for us all to talk about actual try-scoring brilliance rather than disciplinaries, finances or concussion. If those topics come up in conversation, walk out.